It’s not easy being lonely
Last week was really rough for me. Not because anything specific that happened, but simply because nothing good happened. I had a fight with my father, I dated another crazy chick, and I had a minor car accident.
Usually it takes a very short time to snap out of bad mood, but it’s not as simple when you’re lonely… I know that it seems like I have a healthy social life, but I actually talk to no-one, definitely not on a daily basis.
Think for a moment, how big is your circle of friends? acquaintances? random people that you talk to?
Count all the people that you’ve talked to in the last two months: relatives, friends, co-workers, roommates, neighbors, partners from the gym and any other activities… how big is your result? When I count, I only reach 10, maybe 15 people. You might not appreciate those random “how are you?” questions that you get during each day, but believe me, you should.
With an average communication of less than 1 person a day, I guess I can definitely refer to myself as lonely.
It’s hard to believe that if something happened to me two months ago, and I didn’t post it on Facebook, only 10-15 people in the world knows about it.
I don’t even talk to random people in bars anymore, my Hebrew accent makes it harder for people to understand me, especially in loud environments, making any meaningful conversation becomes impossible… there goes my great social skills that I’ve worked so hard to achieve.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I can blame anyone for this situation, in fact, it took me years to get to such level of loneliness, and it was all my fault.
Sinking into deep depression, I forced myself to post something, anything… which leaded to my last post, practically begging for someone to talk to me, but it didn’t help.
It’s always darkest before dawn
My cousin invited me to a New Years Eve party that he host in his place. My only way of describing it is as making a tiny hole in a huge balloon that is ready to explode any moment. Finally, familiar location, people that care about me, and alcohol, lot’s of alcohol. It was like an explosion of emotions for me, exactly what I needed to stay sane.
I have lots of dark pieces from that night, I don’t even remember how I got home, I really hope I didn’t say anything embarrassing or hurt someone.
I do remember (very foggy) that I bursted into tears when I started talking about Gili, my friend who died during his military service. It’s been 11 years since it happened, and honestly I wasn’t thinking about him for a long time, but apparently my mind was… who knows home many other things are hidden deeply in my mind and waiting for the right moment to burst.
When I was on 6th grade, I joined the aero-club, a youth movement for building model airplanes.
While I enjoyed building model airplanes, my real hobby was teaching and leading the younger.
During most of our high-school years, it was Gili, Omri and me who managed the club.
Funny thing, when I woke up after the party, I noticed that I searched Gili’s name on Facebook, I guess I was too drunk to remember that there was no Facebook at his lifetime.
OK, but what’s going on with my project?
I have dome some research about happiness, and got some really surprising insights.
Oh wait, this post is getting too long, let me tell you about the insights in my next post…
I know you’re curious, and it’s actually pretty interesting, but I decided that it’s inappropriate and irrelevant to write about current girls in my life.